Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
