____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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