My friends, they love my intelligence
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
