i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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