just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
