That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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