I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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