kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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