Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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