The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
