I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
