Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
