I cannot find my penis.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
