Where is the hickey?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
