I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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