GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
