That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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