I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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