i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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