I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
