wanna go halves on a baby?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
