my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
