Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
