Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
