your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
