as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
