I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
