I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Drunk is a universal language darling
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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