i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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