I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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