I cannot find my penis.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
