if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
