So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
