Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
