Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
