i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
