that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
