I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
