Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
