We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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