Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
