woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
