You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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