i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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