How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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