Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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