Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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