I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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