she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize