How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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