ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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