happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
