I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
