Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
