I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
