i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize